White Christmas odds

ONE of the ways rain is created is referred to by scientists as the Wegener-Bergeron-Findeisen precipitation process. The three eponymous scientists deduced that rain is caused by a process of ice accretion in the top layer of clouds, eventually leading to a downpour.

As we know, the W-B-F theory can swing into full action anywhere in Ireland.

Sometimes, Irish weather would make you wonder if a visitor along the lines of Rob McKenna, created by Douglas Adams, has made his presence felt. The lorry driver from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, you will remember, is a man who can never get away from the rain – he has a log-book proving that it has rained on him every day. The media label him a ‘Rain God’, while seaside resorts give him money to clear off.

The scientific community refer to Rob as a "Quasi Supernormal Incremental Precipitation Inducer", a title that would certainly be a welcome addition to our rain lexicon. Because, considering it tips it down here almost incessantly, we have a surprisingly small vocabulary for the stuff. Drizzle, misht, stair-rods, fine soft day, cats and dogs, lashing, coming down in buckets, sheets, deluge – and that’s about your lot.

Not like the Eskimos, you may be thinking, with all their words for snow. Estimates vary, but totals range from between 80 to 4000 according to which authority you’re consulting. But whichever one it is, they’re wrong. Because the Inuit don’t have substantially more words for snow than we do.

The erroneous belief is known by linguists as the Great Eskimo Vocabulary Hoax, and is basically just an urban legend that continued to grow.

In the Eskimo lingo, or more respectfully the Yupik and Inuit-Inupiaq languages, most dictionaries put the number of words for snow at two. Counting very generously, linguists can come up with around ten.

We’re unlikely to be needing any of those words this year. Most bookies are putting odds for a white Christmas at as long as 7/1.

Which is sad news. Aside from aesthetic and romantic considerations, it means that the old Seattle Times headline, “Erin Go Brrrrrr” — used on the occasion of a blanket of snow covering Washington State on St Patrick’s Day — can’t be dusted down and used again.

And a non-white Christmas is bad from the health point of view.  As the old Irish saying has it: “Glas Nollag, reilig saill"— A green Christmas, a fat graveyard. In other words, a cold winter removes water from the environment. Nothing can live without water. Microbes either die or hibernate – when they thrive, expect a fat graveyard.

Mind how you go, now.